


Because Hearts Get Broken

by orphan_account



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, It doesn’t work, Pining, Song fic, Sort Of, but this isn’t a super happy fic, i promise there is a happy ending, jj tries to bury his feelings, like this pretty much all angst, so much pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:53:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24443887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: JJ had always been in love with John B. That’s why his disappearance (not death, he refused to believe John B was dead) was so hard to deal with. But he deals.Sort of.
Relationships: One sided JJ/John B
Comments: 5
Kudos: 67





	Because Hearts Get Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Hi y’all! Recently Outer Banks has kind of consumed my whole life. I got this idea stuck in my head and wrote it all out in an after noon. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> —
> 
> The title and everything bolded in the square brackets is from “Golden” by Harry Styles.

_**[Take me back to the light]** _

JJ had always been in love with John B. It was something he had come to terms with years ago and only ever acknowledged when he was drunk and high. He didn’t know why he loved John B. Maybe it was his magnetic personality, or how he was JJ’s first real friend, or maybe how he was like the sun and everything seemed to revolve around him. Whatever the reason, it was undeniable. JJ was in love with John B.

So when he took off in the Phantom with Sarah Cameron, JJ felt a part of him leave with John B. And when Deputy Shoupe told them the news, it felt like every inch of him was in pain. It was like he could feel the grief in every blood cell and every breath. It was suffocating.

To avoid the pain, JJ started drinking. And smoking. And hooking up with tournons. More than he already did. He tried to drown himself in the drugs and the alcohol and unknown people. He thought that maybe, it would make everything hurt a little less.

(It didn’t.)

Instead, he became painfully aware of just how much he loved John B. He felt it in every molecule of his being. It was a deep ache that intensified every time he fucked a touron with brown hair and brown eyes.

After a month of John B being lost (not dead, he couldn’t be dead) JJ fell into bed with a girl in a similar situation. Emerson, a girl from the cut who fell for a kook who she could never have. They had met at a party and she asked him to help her forget about the girl who broke her heart. JJ agreed, as long she did the same for him.

They saw each other frequently. It was just sex with an occasional smoking/bitching session. They weren’t exactly friends, but they weren’t not friends either.

(She had black hair and blue eyes and pale skin and reminded him nothing of John B. He never reminded her of the leggy black girl who wore her hair in braids. It made it easier for them to pretend that they weren’t fucking each other to forget someone else.)

Speaking of friends, JJ hadn’t really spoken to Kiara or Pope in ages. They were off grieving with each other, trying to be some form of normal.

(That was sort of what JJ was doing. Trying to convince himself that everything was normal and fine when in reality it was the farthest thing from it.)

It wasn’t like they forgot about him. They would hang out at parties and sometimes drop by the Chateau (which JJ was staying at to avoid his father). They just didn’t hang out like they used to. John B had been the glue that held them together and kept them sane. And now that John B was gone (not dead, he would never leave JJ like that) they just fell apart.

It made JJ feel alone. He’s hated feeling alone ever since his mother had left with him with nothing but a kiss on his forehead and vague memories.

John B had been the one to find JJ after his mom left. He made JJ spend the night at the Chateau and watch movies until they passed out. He didn’t want to think about what would’ve happened if he had been home when his dad found out that his mom left. JJ was grateful that John B had got him out.

(That might have been the moment that JJ fell in love with John B. He tried not to think about it.)

* * *

_**[i’m out of my head]** _

He hadn’t meant to try cocaine. People were usually surprised when they found out that JJ, the definition of a party animal, never did hard drugs like cocaine. He always stuck with weed. He always told them that he liked being somewhat in control of his actions.

(The truth was that if he started using hard drugs, he would become his father)

(He never wanted to be his father)

But he was grieving and people did stupid shit while grieving. His version of stupid shit ended being snorting cocaine. It had reacted badly with the weed, nicotine, and alcohol in his system. Now he was here, in the hospital, getting his stomach pumped. The kind-looking nurse was asking him if there was anyone he could call.

He hesitated. He didn’t want to bother Kiara because she was too good to deal with his shit. He also didn’t want to ruin Pope's shaky relationship with his parents (making Pope come pick him up from the hospital at 3 am would definitely ruin it). He definitely wasn’t going to call his dad.

(a part of him completely broke when he realized that he had no one to call.)

“I can take him home,” a voice said. He looked towards the doorway where Emerson was standing. She looked more tired.

“And you are?” The nurse asked with a raised eyebrow. Emerson did look kind of sketchy, her hair was greasy and her clothes were old and tattered. If JJ had any sense, he probably wouldn’t have trusted her either.

“She’s… a friend.” He said, his voice hoarse. The nurse relented and helped him out of the bed. Emerson came up to him and wrapped an arm around his waist. 

“You can crash at my place tonight Maybank,” she said as she led him out to an old and rusty car.

“Why were you at the hospital?” JJ asked as they slowly moved across the pavement. The night was cool against his skin and he shivered. Her jaw tightened.

“I was visiting my mom.” She didn’t elaborate further and JJ didn’t ask. He knew that some things just weren’t his business. Emerson helped him get situated in the car before getting in herself.

The drive to her house was silent except for the radio. After about fifteen minutes they arrived at a small, sky blue house. The lawn was overgrown and the paint on the house was peeling. “Welp, here we are. Home sweet home.” Emerson helped him out of the car and led him through the house to the guest bedroom. “You can crash here for the night. My dad won’t be home for a few days. Try not to destroy anything.”

She turned to leave but JJ grabbed her wrist to stop her. “Thank you, Emerson.” She swallowed and looked away.

“Don’t mention it, Maybank.” She twisted out of his grip and left the room, closing the door behind him.

* * *

_**[I’m hopeless, broken]** _

Emerson and his relationship changed after that. They still slept together frequently and would talk about the people who broke their hearts. But they were more like friends now. He would crash at her place sometimes and she would hang out with him during the day.

Both of them had dropped out of school. JJ just didn’t care anymore. He knows that he doesn’t have a future outside of Outer Banks and has accepted that. Emerson needed to work full-time to keep her family afloat. Her mom’s hospital bills were expensive and they didn’t have insurance.

JJ grew further apart from Kiara and Pope. They stopped speaking to each other and wouldn’t even hang out at parties.

(He tried to convince himself that it was fine. JJ knew that this would happen eventually. He knew that they would go off to college and he would stay in OBX for the rest of his life. He tried to convince himself that the pain he got in his chest every time he saw them was just grief over John B.)

(it never worked)

Other than that, things were starting to normal out. After his hospital stay, JJ stopped partying so much. He started picking up odd jobs. He had sold off the hot tub and other equipment to pay for the boat he ruined. Once he paid that off, he started saving up to pay off the hospital bills. That was probably going to take years though.

(a part of him said that he would be able to pay it off immediately when John B and Sarah came back with the gold. He didn’t listen to that part.)

JJ was starting to heal. He started smiling more and would laugh occasionally. He becoming somewhat happy.

Then they found the Phantom.

A hurricane had washed it ashore. After three months after John B and Sarah’s disappearance, the police officially declared them dead.

JJ had found out through a phone call. He was staying at Emerson’s for the night. When she came home from work she had a bottle of cheap tequila and six-pack of beers. JJ had never loved someone as much as he did in that moment.

(False. He loved John B more every second of every day.)

(It made him want to cry. He drank instead.)

The two of them called in sick for the weekend. JJ spent most of it drunk. Emerson stayed sober and made sure that he didn't do something that he’d regret.

Kiara and Pope called him multiple times. He always let it go to voicemail. JJ knew that if he heard their voices then he would start crying.

(He didn’t know if he would be able to stop)

Monday rolled around and JJ went back to work. He tried to bury himself in it, tried to forget John B’s smile and laugh, and how he would challenge JJ to a surf off and JJ would always beat him. He tried to forget John B’s favorite Hawaiian shirt (faded blue with small pineapples all over) and his favorite food (his dad’s grilled cheese because John B was a literal child). He tried to forget how John B would always pick JJ up first on the HMS Pogue and would always toss him the first beer. He tried to forget how his eyes looked when the sunlight hit them and how his freckles darkened in the summer.

JJ was never all that good at forgetting. Especially when it involved John B.

(A large part of him was absolutely terrified that John B had been gone for three months and JJ was still hopelessly in love with him. He was afraid that he would always be hopelessly in love with him.)

(He was even more afraid of how he was fine with always being hopelessly in love with John B.)

(He tried to not think about it.)

* * *

_**[you were way too bright for me]** _

The Cameron’s organized a giant joint funeral for John B and Sarah. The entire island was invited and most of them came. Emerson forced him into one of her dad’s old suits and made him go. Said that it would be “good for his spiritual healing.”

He found out recently that she was one of those spiritually hippie people. She had slipped a healing crystal into his pocket after John B was declared dead and then forced some herbal hangover remedy down his throat. It had tasted disgusting but actually worked so he hadn’t complained much.

(It also reminded him of Kiara and her hippie-ness. It made the ache of losing his friends hurt a little less.)

(But only a little)

The funeral was held at the same place midsummer was always held. They had decorated beautifully, lots of flowers and photos of Sarah and John B. They used wreaths instead of coffins since no bodies had been found.

(A part of JJ said that no bodies meant that they could be alive. JJ squashed that part. Hope had become unnecessary and annoying at this point.)

The service itself was incredibly boring. Most of the kooks fake-cried over Sarah and John B. They gave speeches and said prayers. Ward said that John B was just “a boy who had lost his way”. It made JJ want to knock his teeth in. The only reason he didn’t was that he wanted the free food provided afterwards.

Ward finished his speech, people applauded, then JJ made a bee-line to the food. Kooks always catered well and JJ was always hungry.

(The food also distracted him from the deep-seated anguish of losing his best friend.)

After piling his plate high with southern cuisine, he planned to make his escape. JJ started speed walking towards the exit when someone shouted his name. It was Kiara. He let out a sigh and turned around.

“What do you want, Kie?” He winced when it came out harshly. Kiara’s face fell a little.

“I just wanted to see how you were doing. We haven’t talked in a while and I-I miss you.” JJ felt like an asshole. It wasn’t all Kie’s fault that they hadn’t talked, it was also his. _“Communication is a two-way street, Maybank,”_ a voice that sounded a lot like Emerson said in his head.

“I miss you too Kie. I’m--I’m sorry for not calling back. I’ve been super--,” Kiara suddenly gasped, her eyes going wide. “Kiara? What’s wrong?”

JJ turned around and froze. Standing behind him was John B and Sarah Cameron, both looking very much alive and well. John B had cut his hair shorter and looked even tanner (if that was possible). Sarah’s hair was dyed dark brown and she was also tanner. They were both wearing shorts and a t-shirt. John B had a bandana around his neck.

JJ dropped his plate of food.

Every single emotion seemed to pass through him at that moment. His mind was reeling and JJ didn’t know whether he wanted to punch John B or hug him. A part of him wanted to do both.

“Hey JJ,” John B said, and JJ just noticed how everyone else had gone silent. John B started moving toward JJ and every emotion running through his system intensified. Kiara ran towards John B and jumped into his arms. John B kept eye contact with JJ the whole time.

Eventually, it became too much for him, so JJ did what his family does best.

He ran away.

* * *

_**[I don’t want to be alone]** _

JJ had booked it through the crowd, across the beach, and was now somewhere along the shoreline. He had shed his coat and tie and rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt. He stared at the sea line, glittering in the sunlight and let himself feel everything.

First was anger. How could John B survive and not tell him? They were best friends. They had laughed and cried and bled together. John B had patched him up when his dad hit him too much and JJ kept John B sane whenever his dad left. John B knew how JJ hated being abandoned. He knew that JJ would blame himself and that he would spiral out of control.

(John B knew because he had kept JJ from spiraling so many times that JJ lost count.)

(every time JJ fell a little more in love with him)

(Even when he tried not to.)

(Especially when he tried not to.)

After the anger came the hurt. John B, had been so much to JJ. He had more to JJ than he could really describe. John B was JJ’s Sun, he was what kept JJ going when things got to be too much. He’s what kept JJ sane when his mom left. He’s what kept JJ on the rails when his dad hit him so hard that he saw stars. John B was the person who kept sane, safe, and happy.

And he left. John B had left him. Just like his mother had.

(Just like everyone else will, a dark part of his mind supplied.)

(He didn’t disagree with it.)

JJ wasn’t sure how long he stood there staring at the sunlight glinting off the waves. At sunset, his phone started blowing up. He only replied to Emerson, letting her know that he needed to be alone.

(He really didn’t want to be alone but it was probably for the best. JJ was afraid of what he would do if someone was here with him.)

The moon was high above his head by the time someone found him. JJ had sat down on the sand, legs stretched out in front of him and arms stretched behind.

“JJ,” someone breathed out behind him. He turned his head and saw John B standing behind him. He was slightly out of breath like he’d just finished a sprint from the cops.

JJ blinked at him. His mind ran through every scenario that could happen. After a few seconds of silence, JJ stood up. He brushed the sand off of his pants and walked towards John B. He stopped in front of John B and stared at him. He looked nervous like he was scared that JJ would hate him.

(JJ could never hate John B. Never.)

All of his resolve crumbled and he pulled John B into a hug. John B melted against JJ, winding his arms around his back and burying his face in the crook of JJ’s neck. “I’m sorry,” JJ mumbled. “I shouldn’t have run.”

“And I should’ve called.” JJ let out a small chuckle.

“Yah you should have.” After a short pause, JJ added, “I forgive you. For not calling.”

“I forgive you for running.” That made JJ start to cry. John B didn’t say anything, just squeezed him tighter.

JJ had always been a little bit in love with John B. A part of him had always wanted their relationship to be more than just best friends. But, he could live with being best friends if it meant having John B alive and here with him in the Outer Banks.


End file.
